Where’s Joy??
I’ve always been a generally, chilled, joyful kind of person. Someone told me recently that I’d changed! We all change don’t we? Different things happen in our lives, the roads bend a bit, we decide to climb a mountain and get a bit stuck; stuff happens TO us. Generally this is life and we embark on new things knowing that things will change, we will be changed and our lives may be changed (hopefully for the better!). I’m a bit of a creature of habit though and I don’t do well with change (except sleep patterns – children sleeping longer, that change I can deal well with!). Other change though, it’s scary, it’s unknown and it causes all these feelings that we’re not sure of all at once. Last year I had a big change in my life – I was told I had an anxiety disorder. I think, when you’re a mum (or a parent) this is generally ‘normal’ and there are ‘normal’ anxieties that come with the territory and the day to day (even if you’re not a parent). Some anxieties are actually good for us. I am by no means saying that one persons anxiety is more or less than another, I’m just sharing a bit of my own experience to date. Now I’ve always been a worrier but this was different and hit me for six a bit. In some ways it was one of the best thing to happen to me. Someone gave me a name and a reason for what was happening and I have the space to talk about how I’m feeling and reflect a little on myself (which let’s be honest, which busy mum gets much time to do that!). As I write this I am watching ‘The Fast and the Furious 6’ and someone has just thrown out the line “Man you gotta check your emotion, you just went from shaggy to all Scooby doo…”. It made me laugh, a lot, because that’s how it is some days; you’re all chilled and happy and joyful and then there it is – pow – and you’re all ‘scooby doo’. Whilst reflecting on how my anxiety has affected me over the last year I’ve found that there’s one emotion that I used to find, notice and enjoy easily and the one that I think my anxiety has stolen from me… that’s right, it’s been stolen! It’s my JOY. There are obviously times, on a daily basis, when I am happy and even joyful but I still find myself searching for Joy, looking for her, wondering where she is right now. I’ve been pondering the missing Joy for a few months now. I can remember mentioning to some friends a few months ago that I started to wake up each morning with the song ‘Joyful Joyful’ in my head (to be honest it made a nice change from ‘Roary the racing car, paw patrol, paw patrol and Blaze and the monster machines’). Again for those that know me, my life is pretty much a musical. I’ve always got a tune in my head and I’m always humming, often without realising it. I usually have a ‘track of the day’ in my head which is on repeat. I can guarantee that whilst I’m talking to you I’ll be singing in my head. It’s no surprise then that I go to bed and wake up with a song in my head. Over Christmas I watched David Bowie and Bing Crosby sing ‘The little drummer boy’ a lot. I found it helpful to sing ‘peace on earth, could it be’ as number 2 was charging, screaming, tantruming, hitting and being generally a very energetic, headstrong and somewhat forceful two year old’.
Anyway, I digress; Joy
So I was waking up with this song in my head and it started to make me think about where my joy had gone and why. This started a few months of searching. I would look, all the time and try and specifically notice when I was joyful and what caused it. Soon, there were little signs and reminders of Joy everywhere I looked – quite literally. In December a film came out called JOY – it was planted all over the screens, buses and advertising boards. Obviously, being Christmas ‘Sister Act’ made an appearance with my ‘track of the month’ featured heavily! On Christmas day I watched call the midwife with my in-law family. I’ve not watched this show for years but was drawn in, as usual. At the end of the episode a baby was born and they named her Joy. I gasped quietly to myself as the narrator went on to describe Joy beautifully. Then I went to the supermarket early Jan to get a few bits (without the kids) and I got to wander the aisles and generally have a mooch. You may think it odd but I do love food shopping, especially without kids in tow. Anyway, I get to the till and notice my cashier ‘friend’. Now, we all have them don’t we; that one person who always seems to be working when we’re shopping and is a little over friendly and ‘chummy’. Well, my ‘friend’ likes to strike up conversation about all sorts of things, mostly my hair and without fail about the items I’m buying (fortunately I’ve not had laxatives in my shopping basket to date!). Once, I was buying baking ingredients and after the normal hair comments she asked what I was baking. She then took out an old roll of receipts and asked me what specific ingredients I used and quantities to bake cupcakes and a Victoria sponge. She wanted to know amounts and how to mix and everything – all the time I’m trying to use the self-service! On this occasion I find myself in the shop again and smile as I approach the tills and find my ‘friend’ there. She starts asking about the books I’m buying and telling me I must be a teacher. We have a little conversation about my actual job and then there’s silence before she says “you singing, you’re singing? You’re very happy, very joyful, that’s a good thing”. I am obviously doing that humming thing that I do without realising. Wow, no-one has referred to me being joyful for a long time – I smiled, thanked her and left thinking “I’ll take that”.
I feel like I’ve been searching for Joy for months and actually Joy has hunted me down and found me.
As much as my anxiety tries to take it, I plan on spending everyday fighting for my Joy and my right to be Joyful. I have a lot in my life that brings me a lot of Joy and I want to spend time living in the now, enjoying my adventures with the wild things and being the best wife and mother that I can be. I got a light up ‘Joy’ sign for my birthday that I plan on putting by my new front door so it will greet me (and others) as I enter and leave my house and as I run around after two active little people throughout the day! I love a little visual reminder.
I accept some days are and will be more difficult than others and on these days, chocolate for breakfast is definitely the way forward!
I know it’s 18 days late but… happy, JOYFUL New Year to you all.
mumblingmeg 