I’m in a Glass Cage of Emotion

I am Megan and I am an absolute, 100%, total emotional wreck.

  It’s been building for weeks, in-fact it’s been building for years. I thought I had more time. I vividly remember holding my brand new, shiny, smelly, beautiful bundle of baby boy and thinking, I have 4 ½ years with him, four and a half years before he has to go to school. Four and a half years before I have to let someone else have him for 6 hours a day, to let someone else teach him, encourage him, help him, comfort him, enjoy him, laugh with him, laugh at him. It seemed like such a long time. It is not a long time. I feel like I’ve blinked and my beautiful baby boy is now a beautiful big boy who is growing daily, who is learning constantly and who is changing always yet always, somehow, the same. I am crying writing this. I’ve been writing it in my head for weeks but I can’t stop. I know we have to let our kids go at some point and actually it’s just starting school; but for some kids and for some parents it’s really hard. I know it seems funny, these ‘controlling’ parents who ‘can’t let go’ and should embrace the fact that their children get to go to school and have an education. I feel really silly sometimes. I can’t help it. I’m really sad that he is starting school and I’m just going to put it out there that for some parents it is an emotional time and I think that’s ok. I think it is ok. It is ok to say yes he starts school in September and I’m not coping well with that fact! I’ve been wondering recently, about other times that I may feel like this and also wondering why I seem to not be coping so well. Maybe others are just crying at home and not talking about it, maybe others are fine and excited about it – whatever or however you’re feeling I think it’s fine, and good that people respond in different ways because we are all different aren’t we.

 Recently, I’ve really struggled with my anxiety. I’ve cried myself to sleep more nights than I can remember for a long time. I’m pretty sure no-one knows, except my husband who I finally told last week, but not fully, because actually I don’t know.

The thought of school has triggered me, I realise that now. I am, in some way grieving. It sounds absolutely mad that I should write that about my child going to school. I feel like the last four years of working part time, being at home, enjoying, exploring and learning with my beautiful wild things has been wonderful but this new thing on the horizon will change all that. I think it comes down to the fact that I am a creature of habit and I do not cope well with change. At least when it is planned I have time to ‘prepare’. That’s where I am now, I am preparing. It has triggered me to remember; the good things, the bad things and downright ugly things. I’ve been thrown back to times of utter joy and elation and the time I was told he might die. I feel like I’m in limbo, trapped with my emotions – in fact – as the very wise Ron Burgundy puts it – “I’m in a glass cage of emotion” and I have no idea how to get out!

I feel like I’m in the new born days of crying for no reason, crying because I’m tired or emotional or my kid doing break-dance moves, or wanting to talk about becoming a teenage mutant ninja turtle when he is a teenager (we’re not even at school yet) crying because I don’t know what to cook for dinner or what day it is or because I’m thinking so much that I can’t actually think straight. I’m worried about being the random mum on that first day sobbing uncontrollably. In-fact I’m worried about getting through our first ‘parent’s meeting’ tomorrow without crying uncontrollably (apparently first impressions are really important!).

I’m spending my days trying to catch every moment with him. I’m scared. I’m worried. When you feel like they have been yours for so long and you’ve got to let someone else in now to nurture a side of them that you’ll rarely see it feels like a little loss in some way. I’m sensitive, he’s sensitive. I’m worried because of his history. Even though he is fine now it haunts me. I think about who he will be friends with, or what he will be doing, will his stammer may come back, will he like school and want to be there. I have that massive mum guilt when I have to discipline him or say no currently, because I feel like I want these next few weeks and months to be great and fun and ‘happy happy happy’. I’m trying to think of all the things I can do in the next 5 weeks so we can make the most of term-time trips!

I cannot imagine my days off without him. I am excited about spending some 1:1 time with number 2 but we will miss him terribly. On our one morning together currently number 2 is always asking for his brother and when he will see him and when we will fetch him from pre-school. I’m sure we will get into a new routine and enjoy some fun times together and I can focus on him for those special times.

There’s just a big part of me at the moment that cannot fathom it. I’m excited about learning about what he is learning about and his new interests and his friends. I’m sure he’ll love it, even though currently he is adamant he isn’t going.

I think the bottom line is I am going to really miss him and that’s ok. It’s ok to say that as a mum, dad, parent you are worried about times of change. It feels like this is our first really big change looming on the horizon and it’s just been creeping up on me, slowly and silently until recently when it’s ‘happy slapped’ me in the face!

So I’ll rock up to those school gates in September (well probably walk inconspicuously with glasses on and waterproof mascara), wearing my ‘school runnings’ jumper (that I am yet to purchase and really want but not sure that will help with the whole don’t draw attention to yourself thing on the first day of school). I’ll give my big boy a cuddle kiss and tell him I love him and to go have fun and make new memories and then I’ll go cry on my own for a little while knowing that this will be one of the first, of many times I’m sure, where he will begin to make new memories that don’t include me… and that, I think, is ok.

 

 “If we didn’t have change, we wouldn’t have butterflies”